It's time I think that I should post something about what's been bothering me greatly. I'm afraid there might be serious repercussions after I post this. But I am reaching the peak of frustration with this matter and need to vent it out. First off, allow an introduction of the law of Cause and Effect and the law of Seedtime and Harvest. Understand this and you will understand why I'm afraid, and that this is the theme that encompasses everything that I went through.
So what are these laws talking about? Simple, an action, no matter how small, demands a reaction, a result. Some direct some indirect, usually with multiples of each of them. You punch me, I get hurt, I get angry etc. But in Seedtime and Harvest, is slightly different, you have time intervals governing them. You plant an apple seed; wait for a period it takes to grow into a tree. Wait some more and you get the fruit. You'll catch the drift.
Oh yes, all the names used are fictitious to conceal and protect identities. So let's begin. I saw this girl; let's name her Zoe, at this church event one day. Lo and behold the unexpected happened, love at first sight....or maybe the fourth, whatever. I didn't know it but she didn't like me. Side-tracking abit, it seems that some girls I met didn’t like me at first sight. Interesting. This is about to change, when she told me that "I should love my brothers and sister in Christ". That's when she softened up to me and we got along well, too well. My growing affections for her reciprocated to her actions, which I tried very hard to suppress. Soon, I got drifted off from fighting to loving and nurturing a fantasy. I threw all warnings away, wanting to enjoy for the moment of this "love" I never experienced before. She was approaching me quite some of the time when training ain't occupying us. We talked, we give and share our lives and heart with each other. Don't get me wrong here, that we've became boyfriend and girlfriend. No. It means that we entrust with each other our trust. We would meet up early before training, eat together, sit together, tickle each other, joke with ourselves, send her home etc.
Before I go on any further, I will you about this "singlehood vow" thingy you will see for those uninformed. It's a vow, as it's name imply to stay single. No, this is not monkhood, but the dedication of a portion of my life to stay undistracted from my service to God. Honest to truth, nothing is ever as rosy as it is described. I am tempted even more so to fell in love and want to pursue a relationship. Such is the fraility of the humanity's weakness, sin. In this situation I came too close to once and for all break the vow, but I didn't as you will see...
Anyway,there were 3 events that's gonna happen soon. God orchestrated it. He used one of me friends, Jacob, on one fine day, talking about singlehood vows. This is to be my first warning from God about the remembrance to what I've vowed.Event Number 1. Event Number 2, our ease with each other is such that one day we were having snacks during a break. The catch is that we were behaving more and more like couples. My friend passed by. He knew I have a singlehood vow. He saw what's going on. He came in and sat with us and break the cloud number 9 mood, at least that's what I was feeling. That friend of mine may never know what a huge impact he's doing.Event Number 3. God used Jacob again. One day after an early dismissal, both me and Zoe were alone. Then came Jacob. In my heart I was cursing "when will this idiot leave the both of us alone?". Soon he left and I thought "Finally". I was to be so wrong. He came back soon after and joined us. Somehow conversations led to the discussion about singlehood vow again. This is the point when Zoe knows for sure that I have this vow. I soon took the warning to heart. The 2nd warning from Him.
Here's the climax of everything. Cloud 9 is gonna be officially busted by God. He orchestrated the events masterfully, the least to say. He led me to decide which path I take. God or Zoe. To make or break the singlehood vow. I chose God. But first, let me introduce you my friend, or used to be my friend, James. He is a critical point in the chain of events. He turned frosty one day I realised, when I chose to go home in his dad's car instead of sending her home. He had been observing; we've been subtly vying for her attention. A brief introduction, now let's get to the point. The point is I made that decision and decided not to turn back despite the tremendous pain in the heart department. And I withdrew away from her, and she away from me, knowing that I took the vow, and drawing towards James.
There's a huge battle in the heart, one part keeping to my convictions, another burning with extreme jealousy. It was so bad, it put me into a state of depression. James soon...move in to take my place, to put it crudely. What I've done he's repeating it, before my eyes. Not all the time I see them both, but the times I do were the times I felt as if a knife plunged into my heart and twist around several times. She's always somehow hanging out with him, telling me they are talking over the phone etc. I longed for her, I was jealous for her, but it was never to be since I also know at the same time I choose to honor God. It's very hard to walk on the right path, always.
I felt...as if injustice been done. I felt why? Why him? Not me? Why did you gave me false impressions of love? I had thought if you really love me, would you have waited for me? NO YOU DIDN'T! YOU HURT ME!!! WHY!!!!As for you James, you chose her over our friendship, willing to silently sacrifice it for the fulfillment of your desires. I almost wanted to hate you. We may not have been even good friends, but such willingness make me doubtful of your character. When you guys talk about the possiblity of a relationship with your leaders, I know i was left out. Totally out of the equation wasn't I?
But to think back with soberness, what good will all of these do? So what if she mentioned about me, would there be any difference?.....
Sigh...convictions mixed with...this feeling of injustice done, jealousy and deep grief. I have had talks with her, trying one way or another to solve this. I thought for a moment after each talk, "maybe I still can be friends with her". We maintain communications for while, but my feelings will time and time again betray me and reduce me to depression without her knowing. Though there was one time I confronted her, asking her is there any good that will do to me seeing the both of them together, to which I got a reply, it's none of your business. Ok...fine...then I wouldn't pursue the matter anymore. Soon I got wind of them officially together. No one told me anything, I had to figure that out myself through their MSN nick...
The coming months are the toughest period I ever have to go through so far. Dealing with this sudden change and loss, dealing with the hurts, dealing with the supposed injustice done to me and all that. I almost couldn't take it. Never have I dipped into such deep depression before. I go to school, church, cell group in a daze. And this is the first time I ever shed so much tears for a girl, with such deep pains. But here I thank God that He was always there for me. I sought Him like never before in my pain. It was to be a stepping stone to a breakthrough. His presence is precious and comfort more assuring than anyone could give. It's a constant process, not a one time event that that pain could be done with in just one day. Memories came up so very often to torment me and this continued for months, from June till even now, September. But the pain accompanying the memories subsided alot, as I choose to forgive them. That's not to say it's complete, just healed alot.
I made a series of mistakes in the beginning. Minor it may seem but their effects ripple down. We touched other, meeting up with her early and personally before we go to our trainings. Sending her home almost every night is another one. With affections for her in the beginning, all these actions sow seeds that tear my heart apart when they are fully grown. And like I said, the effects of my actions ripples down, but they are dying out. In the process of being blinded I subconsciously 'possess' her. I have to let this go, and I did. I assumed that she loved me and in the process I believed wrongly that she will wait for me. In that way, I react sinfully before God and her.
This period of trial, as I look back, changed me. I am more on fire for God, spiritual disciplines comes easier, faith is strengthened and all that. My tendencies to desire for a relationship is practically non-existent. But I have her to thank very much. Her hunger for God, to pray, to read the Bible, talking about spiritual stuff, challenged me greatly. Actually it's more like driving up my spiritual jealousy. Another of God's masterplan to revive my spirit, and it worked, hallelujah.
Having said all and done, this is, as you see, the Law of Cause and Effect, Seedtime and Harvest in action. I paid dearly for my foolishness. And now I am going to post this up, not knowing what kind of repercussions it's going to have. Gossips? Murmuring? But I gonna have faith in God things will not blow out of proportions.
So what are these laws talking about? Simple, an action, no matter how small, demands a reaction, a result. Some direct some indirect, usually with multiples of each of them. You punch me, I get hurt, I get angry etc. But in Seedtime and Harvest, is slightly different, you have time intervals governing them. You plant an apple seed; wait for a period it takes to grow into a tree. Wait some more and you get the fruit. You'll catch the drift.
Oh yes, all the names used are fictitious to conceal and protect identities. So let's begin. I saw this girl; let's name her Zoe, at this church event one day. Lo and behold the unexpected happened, love at first sight....or maybe the fourth, whatever. I didn't know it but she didn't like me. Side-tracking abit, it seems that some girls I met didn’t like me at first sight. Interesting. This is about to change, when she told me that "I should love my brothers and sister in Christ". That's when she softened up to me and we got along well, too well. My growing affections for her reciprocated to her actions, which I tried very hard to suppress. Soon, I got drifted off from fighting to loving and nurturing a fantasy. I threw all warnings away, wanting to enjoy for the moment of this "love" I never experienced before. She was approaching me quite some of the time when training ain't occupying us. We talked, we give and share our lives and heart with each other. Don't get me wrong here, that we've became boyfriend and girlfriend. No. It means that we entrust with each other our trust. We would meet up early before training, eat together, sit together, tickle each other, joke with ourselves, send her home etc.
Before I go on any further, I will you about this "singlehood vow" thingy you will see for those uninformed. It's a vow, as it's name imply to stay single. No, this is not monkhood, but the dedication of a portion of my life to stay undistracted from my service to God. Honest to truth, nothing is ever as rosy as it is described. I am tempted even more so to fell in love and want to pursue a relationship. Such is the fraility of the humanity's weakness, sin. In this situation I came too close to once and for all break the vow, but I didn't as you will see...
Anyway,there were 3 events that's gonna happen soon. God orchestrated it. He used one of me friends, Jacob, on one fine day, talking about singlehood vows. This is to be my first warning from God about the remembrance to what I've vowed.Event Number 1. Event Number 2, our ease with each other is such that one day we were having snacks during a break. The catch is that we were behaving more and more like couples. My friend passed by. He knew I have a singlehood vow. He saw what's going on. He came in and sat with us and break the cloud number 9 mood, at least that's what I was feeling. That friend of mine may never know what a huge impact he's doing.Event Number 3. God used Jacob again. One day after an early dismissal, both me and Zoe were alone. Then came Jacob. In my heart I was cursing "when will this idiot leave the both of us alone?". Soon he left and I thought "Finally". I was to be so wrong. He came back soon after and joined us. Somehow conversations led to the discussion about singlehood vow again. This is the point when Zoe knows for sure that I have this vow. I soon took the warning to heart. The 2nd warning from Him.
Here's the climax of everything. Cloud 9 is gonna be officially busted by God. He orchestrated the events masterfully, the least to say. He led me to decide which path I take. God or Zoe. To make or break the singlehood vow. I chose God. But first, let me introduce you my friend, or used to be my friend, James. He is a critical point in the chain of events. He turned frosty one day I realised, when I chose to go home in his dad's car instead of sending her home. He had been observing; we've been subtly vying for her attention. A brief introduction, now let's get to the point. The point is I made that decision and decided not to turn back despite the tremendous pain in the heart department. And I withdrew away from her, and she away from me, knowing that I took the vow, and drawing towards James.
There's a huge battle in the heart, one part keeping to my convictions, another burning with extreme jealousy. It was so bad, it put me into a state of depression. James soon...move in to take my place, to put it crudely. What I've done he's repeating it, before my eyes. Not all the time I see them both, but the times I do were the times I felt as if a knife plunged into my heart and twist around several times. She's always somehow hanging out with him, telling me they are talking over the phone etc. I longed for her, I was jealous for her, but it was never to be since I also know at the same time I choose to honor God. It's very hard to walk on the right path, always.
I felt...as if injustice been done. I felt why? Why him? Not me? Why did you gave me false impressions of love? I had thought if you really love me, would you have waited for me? NO YOU DIDN'T! YOU HURT ME!!! WHY!!!!As for you James, you chose her over our friendship, willing to silently sacrifice it for the fulfillment of your desires. I almost wanted to hate you. We may not have been even good friends, but such willingness make me doubtful of your character. When you guys talk about the possiblity of a relationship with your leaders, I know i was left out. Totally out of the equation wasn't I?
But to think back with soberness, what good will all of these do? So what if she mentioned about me, would there be any difference?.....
Sigh...convictions mixed with...this feeling of injustice done, jealousy and deep grief. I have had talks with her, trying one way or another to solve this. I thought for a moment after each talk, "maybe I still can be friends with her". We maintain communications for while, but my feelings will time and time again betray me and reduce me to depression without her knowing. Though there was one time I confronted her, asking her is there any good that will do to me seeing the both of them together, to which I got a reply, it's none of your business. Ok...fine...then I wouldn't pursue the matter anymore. Soon I got wind of them officially together. No one told me anything, I had to figure that out myself through their MSN nick...
The coming months are the toughest period I ever have to go through so far. Dealing with this sudden change and loss, dealing with the hurts, dealing with the supposed injustice done to me and all that. I almost couldn't take it. Never have I dipped into such deep depression before. I go to school, church, cell group in a daze. And this is the first time I ever shed so much tears for a girl, with such deep pains. But here I thank God that He was always there for me. I sought Him like never before in my pain. It was to be a stepping stone to a breakthrough. His presence is precious and comfort more assuring than anyone could give. It's a constant process, not a one time event that that pain could be done with in just one day. Memories came up so very often to torment me and this continued for months, from June till even now, September. But the pain accompanying the memories subsided alot, as I choose to forgive them. That's not to say it's complete, just healed alot.
I made a series of mistakes in the beginning. Minor it may seem but their effects ripple down. We touched other, meeting up with her early and personally before we go to our trainings. Sending her home almost every night is another one. With affections for her in the beginning, all these actions sow seeds that tear my heart apart when they are fully grown. And like I said, the effects of my actions ripples down, but they are dying out. In the process of being blinded I subconsciously 'possess' her. I have to let this go, and I did. I assumed that she loved me and in the process I believed wrongly that she will wait for me. In that way, I react sinfully before God and her.
This period of trial, as I look back, changed me. I am more on fire for God, spiritual disciplines comes easier, faith is strengthened and all that. My tendencies to desire for a relationship is practically non-existent. But I have her to thank very much. Her hunger for God, to pray, to read the Bible, talking about spiritual stuff, challenged me greatly. Actually it's more like driving up my spiritual jealousy. Another of God's masterplan to revive my spirit, and it worked, hallelujah.
Having said all and done, this is, as you see, the Law of Cause and Effect, Seedtime and Harvest in action. I paid dearly for my foolishness. And now I am going to post this up, not knowing what kind of repercussions it's going to have. Gossips? Murmuring? But I gonna have faith in God things will not blow out of proportions.
......I still see her sometimes in service. And though I prayed that I will never see them ever...still....my heart yearns to look at her.....In this matter I don't really know where to set my heart on, and where the future goes. Will the friendship ever heal? Will my heart ever heal? God knows. But people have been telling me, 'give up...you need full focus on God and not look back at the past'. Perhaps I might in time...
*Edit*: It took a very long time to write this thing properly. Only finish it today. I don't frustrate myself over this now...consider it an outdated article in reference to the first paragraph. Furthermore I don't want this to hinder my other posts so kinda rushed this towards the end of the article. So it might not express fully my thought
posted by Jeremiah at 9/26/2005 07:53:00 PM
1 Comments:
uncle jeremiah!
i finally understand.. hee
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